My porn use became unbearable. I am the worst person on this planet. The only one with this problem. God damn genetics and my curse! I can’t live a normal life like everybody else! Why do I have to deal with this sickness? My life is in ruin and I don’t know how to go on. I have to do something to stop using.
I start searching at what monastery in Tibet I can hide from the internet, for a year at least to force myself off of this addiction. I start reading a lot about my problem and decide abstention is the way. If this fails I will go to Tibet or to Africa to save elephants. Whatever just to get away from civilization and the internet.
I do the abstention and as months pass I am now at my longest streak of 82 days when I relapse. My thinking is that I need an extra reason to stay sober. So I contact a local SA group in my area. Before my first group meeting, two members call me and suggest we meet first. I agree. We meet at a local church. They tell me their story of how they ended in this group. I am quite shocked, to be honest. They talk completely openly about it. I feel like, by pure chance, I found people who might understand me. I tell them my story. We decided I could use the group. I was very dismissive of their approach even before I got there, but I still said to myself I will try. I attend my first meeting. I listen to the members and their stories and am amazed at the openness with which they talk about it. I admit I am an addict in front of the group and I feel a huge weight lifted from my life.
I am finally where I wanted to be for so long. Among people who understand and help me. When it’s over I tell them I have never felt so alive in my entire life. I am an introvert so speaking in a group does not come easy to me. I go home eager for my next meeting so I can participate again.