I will explain in detail here how and why a porn addict hides his use despite who he hurts or what lies he tells in order to obtain his fix. While at the same time, be successful in life and an upstanding member of the community, while no one has any clue about his double life.
Why People Lie?
Most of us lie each day, on average 2-3 times in a 10-minute conversation. Man and woman alike. The only difference between us is about what we lie. Men like to make themselves feel better, and women lie to make the other person feel better.
Most of the time, we lie to promote ourselves, followed by to protect ourselves, to impact others, and for unclear reasons.
The most common lies are “white lies.” Everyday lies. These are considered harmless and trivial. However, when we are being lied to, on average, we perceive only half of those lies as lies. These lies help us navigate through our everyday relationships a little bit smoother.
You have a few options in dealing with lies in general:
- Confront the liar
- Deflect with humor
- Play along
Then there is another type of liar that is a compulsive liar. These people lie all the time. Suppose they need to or not. The problem with lies in this matter is that if lies are accepted as truth by the receiver, the liar will lie even more.
Lies tend to snowball. One lie fuels the other because truth can’t be told by the liar, for whatever reason. Lies never have a happy ending.
Lies are stressful because you always have to remember what lie you told what person. Hence a lot of manipulation is also needed.
Biology Behind Lies
It’s not just humans that lie and deceive. All higher mammals, especially primates, can lie and deceive. The neocortex is the primary part of the brain for utilizing this ability.
It can become an addiction. Awesome right? Another one.
It means that lies can be more regular and comfortable to the liar than telling the truth.
The “gift” of lies is learned at age around 5 or 6 years old for humans. It is also the time where a compulsion in lying his its roots. Usually to cope with anxiety or stresses of growing up.
It begs the question of what creates a porn addict in the first place.
Liars make false promises. Deny involvement, and lie to the end. They can be aggressive, impulsive, possessive, or morbidly jealous. They often lose their closest friends and partners. They always portray themselves as someone who adores their partner and would do anything for him, but in reality, this is far from the truth.
Why He Lies and Manipulates?
Unfortunately for a porn addict, his prefrontal cortex (PFC) is impacted by pornography use. The PFC is responsible for all of our higher thought processes, including impulse control and decision-making skills, and free will. Here is an article that explains the correlation between PFC and addiction.
He has two distinct sides. One that you and the rest of the world will see and one only he sees—the addicted side. Please don’t mistake this as another personality, because it is not. It is the addicted mind with all its justifications and reasoning why he should watch Porn. Coupled with the self-protect mechanisms that he developed. I do mention this unity of addicted mind and behaviors as “The Dark One.”
Link to an article I made for you to understand a porn addict as much as you can, without experience it for yourself.
He is aware his lies hurt you. He knows when he manipulates and Gasslights you. He feels terrible and ugly because of it, but he assumes this is who he is. He thinks he is the only one on this planet with this issue. In reality, every porn addict feels the same.
When his problematic porn use is brought up and confronted, The Dark One emerges in plain sight. He will Gaslight. He will convince you that you are the crazy one. He will do that with lies and manipulation to an extreme if need be. Some lies he makes to cover it up are just plain stupid.
The shift from “The Dark One” to his normal personality can be fast. It can change in a moment If the addicted mind is tempted with pornography.
How Can He Lie So Much?
- He browses for Porn when he is alone.
- His sexual preferences change or deviate.
- He is ashamed of his preferences.
- He starts to hide his activity.
- He uses Porn to comfort himself.
- Whenever he does something good and gets compliments for it, he remembers his lousy side. By his logic, he can’t be good.
- He used the computer when you got to bed or when you are not at home.
- He becomes protective of his phone.
It’s important to note that the above actions he does not see as problematic at all. He does not notice what this is doing to him because it developed so gradually that he thinks this is normal.
A porn addict relies heavily on hiding his addiction in plain sight. He has to lie and manipulate to keep it hidden. Soon his fetishes will escalate to something he used to find distasteful. He is aware that his porn preferences would be meet with disapproval from people if they knew. He only uses it when alone, and he covers his tracks.
The entire activity becomes enveloped in secrecy. The mind wholly rationalizes that it is normal and since it is free and everywhere, it can’t possibly do any harm.
What I find interesting is that the person he shows to everyone, he now sees as his mask. He may very well be successful in life, with a loving family, and be an upstanding member of society, with no indication he is hiding anything at all. But he alone knows of what he does in private but can’t hold himself back, even tho he is aware of the risks involved and possible outcomes.
How to help a compulsive liar?
If there is no incentive on the liar’s part to get better, there is no point discussing recovery with him. They usually decide to change when they hit rock bottom or not at all.
The best approach is a therapy for compulsive or pathological liars. It is a long ordeal, and not every psychiatrist believes it can be cured because It creates some physical brain changes.
Understanding His Addiction
An addict doesn’t believe the lies he says. It is true he will, in time, become such a liar that he will lie for no apparent reason. But he does not believe them.
His main problem is that he thinks he is evil and rotten to his core. He hates what he is doing, but the drive to get a fix is incredibly intense. You have no idea.
You judge him from a perspective that he can quit anytime he so chooses to. That is partially true, but the other side of the mind that pushes him to use is unbelievable.
It goes to incredible lengths to make sure he uses again. Will power and a simple choice to abstain are, sorry to say, not enough by a long shot. He will fold like a house of cards.
How Does He Identify As Himself?
He identifies himself as “The Dark One.” There is no way that a person can keep these two sides wholly separated. Even if one only comes out when using pornography. When someone gives him an appraisal for something great he did, he unwillingly thinks of how bad he is. He has proof. Every time he orgasms with Porn, he feels disgust and shame about himself.
In time he will begin to think, “I might be a Narcissist or a Sociopath. I can look people in the eyes and lie my ass off.”
You might be wondering how a person can be soo two-faced. He thinks that is how he is and sees no option of it ever-changing. After a while, he accepts it as a fact.
When such a person is finally caught and confronted, he slips into heavy denial. More than anything else, because he never saw pornography use as a problem. He always used it as comfort.
The Betrayal Of A Porn Addict
Relationships base on trust. It is why the lies and manipulations of the porn addict are so disastrous to any relationship. Not only he did this behind your back all this time. He most likely did this before you ever met.
When you find your partner is watching Porn, you usually feel stressed and betrayed. He masturbated to your friend’s profile on FB. He can do this anywhere, actually, even at a funeral via his phone. I would not put it past him to tell you the truth. So your response is entirely normal. You feel betrayed and cheated on. With no idea who he is.
It is, however, not your fault. If you are thinking, If you would indulge in his fantasies in bed or be more supportive of him, etc… It would have made no difference no matter how you would try to please him. He would always want more novelty.
Do not beat yourself either for not seeing the red flags. It is difficult to notice them because it is shrouded in such secrecy. The porn addict’s lies are sometimes well planned to cover up his activities. His reasoning why it won’t hurt you is simple. If you don’t know, it can’t hurt.
But it all stems from that one reason he is convinced to be true: “If you me, you would hate me.” His mind gives his fetishes extreme importance and feelings of deviation. Chances are they are not typical, but not remotely as bad as he thinks they are. He wants an everyday life, and this is why all the coverups.
I don’t defend this behavior. However, I see a huge lack of information regarding this subject. Many partners are curious about what is going on with their partner. If you are interested in any more details or have other questions regarding this topic, send me an email, and I will respond to you.
Internet is full of stories of men caught in their lies.
Until next time
Article Writen by Joe Average